a wolf at the table

If you raised your arms above your head like you were diving and you aimed true for the waves, wouldn't you experience perfect freedom? That the body would land broken on the rocks didn't matter, because you wouldn't be there for the landing. So you would experience only that single moment of clean, pure freedom and grace.

But then, that would be it. There would be no chance to remember that feeling and strive, for the rest of your life, to feel it again. Or to surpass it. Or to pull somebody aside and tell them what it had felt like.

There would be nothing. It reminded me of when I wanted to find out about the universe and I'd asked my father, "What was there before there was everything?"

He said "There was nothing."
"But what is nothing?"
"Nothing is nothing," he said.

It was so difficult to picture. Because wasn't nothing something, too? Wasn't the thick silence and blackness of nothing actually a place you could be?

Son, I'm tired. Please just go outside and play.

Is that what death was like?
But no, it wouldn't be "like" anything.

I was desperate to discover what nothing felt like. It was the absence of something that attracted me. It was the start. Everything important originated with nothingness.

At Christmas, the floor could be spread with gifts, but I would be concerned only with what I didn't get. Not pouting because I didn't get a sweater vest, but wondering, What would have been in the box that isn't here?

My brother inspired awe in me because he wasn't there anymore.

I loved my mother most when she was locked behind her door, writing. Because I couldn't have her. And because I never hugged my father, it was his embrace I sought most of all.

When there is nothing, absolutely anything is possible. And this thrilled me. It gave me hope.


- an excerpt from "A Wolf at the Table" by Augusten Burroughs. One of the best reads I've had in a long, long time.

perking up

every single night, at around this time, this spider always crawls along the exact same wall to the left of me.
i'm not sure if it's the same spider but it sure looks the same, and i always leave it alone, not only because if it's not bugging me i don't see a reason to destroy it, but also because i'm starting to think it might be a sign of something.
of what, i really don't know. but something within me just tells me that it's for me.

on a less ominous note, things are looking up up up!!!
i got a job that involves working with one of my oldest and dearest friends, and i couldn't be happier.

i'm so excited for summer to start and to work my ass off, all in the name of school downtown next year.

look out for a list of summer 09 goals to be posted in the near future.

love & hate

A small excerpt from one of my favourite scenes from one of my all time favourite movies Do The Right Thing.



i've wanted to get love tattooed on the inside of one wrist and hate tattooed on the inside of the other ever since watching this.

eek.
i literally feel like i'm trapped in a waiting room.
i can't wait for school to start. i've loved this year off and don't regret it one bit.

but i'm fucking ready ! bring it on. basically i just really can't wait to be in toronto and going to school.

on a completely seperate note, i love this:

bubble

never have i needed/wanted to get out of one place so desperately.
i'm going to lose my mind if i stay here any longer, believe that.

fearless on my breath

love, love is a verb
love is a doing word
fearless on my breath
gentle impulsion
shakes me makes me lighter
fearless on my breath

teardrop on the fire
fearless on my breath

I'm going to try this blogging thing one more time. With all this new found "free time" I seem to have, I figure I may as well be doing something rather than nothing.

I'm feeling inspired lately but find I have no outlet.
For now, this will do.

I think the majority of posts are going to be things that inspire me, and influence me, whether it be pieces of writing, music, film, fashion, whatever. And from time to time I'll post my own creations as well.

I decided my first posts would be comprised of music videos. I've always had this random sort of dream job of making my own music videos one day. I've always naturally been able to associate imagery to music, something that came in handy while making films and what not throughout highschool. So why not share with the rest of the blogging world out there some music videos that have inspired me over the years to maybe create some of my own one day !











As for the next 2 links, youtube is a cunt and won't let me embed them, so check them out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3ClCwcCvdQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNl2Pm9-7Vk